death and destruction

I don't know what to do with myself. I'm lost, empty, incomplete, so incredibly sad that I can't think straight, can't remember straight, can't feel, can't eat, can't sleep well. At least sleeping has progressed from none at all to almost a full night of restless sleep. I woke with tears in my eyes. My mother's picture frame that has all three of us and her in it has etched in the wood, "Our Family... Together we're one... Family is the foundation of life..."

Together we're one. What happens without one of us? Are we missing 1/4 of ourselves? Or are we all dead, too? I feel like there's this huge hole ripped out of my body. It's making it hard to breathe. It's making it hard to talk to anyone. This hole is mine. I want to share it, but it's mine, mine, mine. I have to cling to it, it has to be real to me, yet I lack the actual physical things that will make it real. Two more days, and then I can see him. Two more days, and then I will know, then I will have to believe, that it was really my brother. I know back there that there's still a slight hope that they were absolutely wrong. Okay, it was the right car, and some people have heard of this friend that was in it with him, and it was his phone... Maybe somebody stole it. Maybe they took his stuff. It wasn't him, it couldn't have been him, he would never die from that.

But he did. I know he did. He couldn't go this long without talking to his family. The tattoos alone would identify him; his friend said it was him in the car; there's no way he would've let someone take his car from him, he loved that thing. I know it's him, I know it was him, I just don't know what to do. I'm here with my mother, trying to help her and help myself and wishing I could help everyone, but how when I'm not in the right frame of mind to be the one leaned on?

I did the funeral preparations with my mother and stepfather today. It's ridiculous how much that business charges to dig a hole in the ground. I know it's for people's peace of mind, but still...
I guess it should make it more real, but it doesn't. I still haven't seen his body, but that will come, and I guess I need that for the closure. The pictures of his car weren't enough, all the people crying, everything... I don't know what to do. I can't wait until the calling hours to see him, but I never want that day to come...