morning mourning

I'm having a hard time with my uncle's death. I know some of you have realized this. I don't think I cried this much when my grandfather died. I wonder what the difference is. I wrote an email to my good friend, who I never invited to this because, well, I don't think he'd like it. I tend to write to him when I'm upset and other options aren't quite working out for me, for whatever reason. And while questioning myself in the email, I thought of something. My relationship with Uncle was very important to me. Of my paternal family members, including my grandparents, my oldest brother, my nephew, and my (newly discovered to me) niece, Uncle was the only one I have a relationship with. He really meant something to me.

I love my family. I love talking to them, and knowing that they care about me and I care about them, no matter how far apart we are. I don't have that with my dad's family. My grandparents don't even know who I am. That's partly because they're older and losing their memories... but I'm not really important to them. Oh, I'm sure they love saying, "this is my granddaughter", but other than that, I don't think I matter. I can remember always being too thin for my grandmother's taste. I can remember my grandfather being happy to see me and my brothers and giving us all the change he had in his pockets (and some paper money when my parents weren't watching). My father's family doesn't make an effort, though. Uncle was different, he was actually different, he tried. I loved it. I loved having a member of that side of my family triangle that had a definite part in my life. I'm really upset that I don't have that anymore.

Perhaps I can build a relationship with my oldest brother now. Uncle had my brother's phone number, which I wasn't aware of, I hadn't heard about Brother for years now (Nephew was 5, perhaps 7?). Dad saw Brother at the funeral, and he had another child I didn't know about. I don't know how that relationship will go though. When I was younger, I felt like there was a tension between us. Brother was from Dad's first marriage, I was from Dad's second and still lived with him. Brother never saw Dad except for when we all happened to be at my grandparents' house. I guess I'll have to clear that up before I'll be able to build a relationship with him... if he wants to.

When I die, I want people at my funeral. I don't want one of those poems that says, "Don't cry! You shouldn't cry, I'm in a better place! I'm pain-free now, I'm with God, I'm okay!" If my friends and family want to cry, then so be it. Perhaps it will heal them faster. Is crying necessary for grieving, acceptance, and healing? What are the stages of grief I learned in high school? Denial, bargaining, anger, acceptance... I'm missing one, and the order may be wrong. I think I'm grieving... do I have to follow these stages in order to qualify?